date: april twelfth, 2024

subject: sisyphus

i've lost my voice today from the stress building up. my temper is reaching too high, and i don't enjoy being angry. everyone seems to be testing my patience this week.

i try to talk to my friends to have time together, and random people come in and immediately start interrupting and derailing. i try to deal with my tech bullshit, and now i have to go in tomorrow to sort it out. one guy keeps fucking dming me when i clearly don't respond to his fucking messages, and another is fucking stalking me. i'm likely going to take down the yamitai email because of the latter male, and if he's reading this:

i hope you fucking die. you couldn't stop at sending me 73 fucking messages, invading my privacy, and acting like a fucking lunatic-- no, you needed to wait until today to fucking find my blog email to fucking spam me once again. you're a fucking roach. you can't understand the basic concept of leaving someone the fuck alone when they clearly find your existence vile. i hope someone violates your privacy and safety the way you have with me.

this week has been nothing short of idiots and garbage, and with finals coming up, i'm likely going to just logout and study with no socialization. i'm sick of everyone somehow having their brain leak out their ears and nose and think i'm the one who's an idiot.

very excited for having to go out tomorrow because people are fucking incompetent.

date: april twelfth, 2024 (extremely late april eleventh entry)

subject: i hate phone companies

it was super hot out today. i think wearing sweats has (obviously, but i keep forgetting) contributed to me being even warmer. i despise dry heat, especially since i typically wear long sleeves and thick clothing. c'est la vie.

i've been noticing things i hate in prospective/current relationships much more often now as well. it gives me "the ick" when someone i'm interested in is venting/seeking out advice regarding me/our relationship in public chats or calls with friends, and in any capacity where i'm able to find out. it feels so odd -- just communicate directly to me or speak about it in private, why speak about me in a way that anyone can join in and be weird with that information? it's a major turn off. it's also more confirmation bias than an ick, but if a relationship or a talking stage fails, seeing that person suddenly become active and socializing is just genuinely odd. you couldn't be bothered to interact with my friends up until we stopped speaking? interesting... i think i've become a much more rigid person with relationships, and it isn't a bad thing at all. there's eight billion people on this planet; i deserve to be with someone who ticks every box. while i yearn for an easy relationship for the cute honeymoon phase, people are exhausting-- even more so when romantically involved. i'm not falling for the honeymoon phase any longer.

i tried to write down my thoughts, but nothing extremely eventful happened today. my order didn't arrive (again ), so i'll probably cancel it and reorder. i got groceries (though i couldn't get two important items and my neighbor scared the absolute shit out of me), and i watched kill bill. nothing super interesting or emotionally probing. sorry!

i never know what to buy for groceries. like, i know what i'll eat and everything, but i guess the choice paralysis creeps in too quickly. i got ice cream that i liked the last time, and almost bought a cake but decided against it at checkout. got oreos for a snack and cinnamon rolls as a breakfast/dessert kinda thing. i also got two sprites . . . i know i'm a hypocrite ok. at least i got a ton of pasta and veggies to counteract the sugar!!

all these emoticons make me feel like an old person. but in a cute way! so i'm keeping it.

i had a cinnamon roll already as dessert and it was surprisingly good for a grocery store bakery's product! i feel there's a weird quality difference between the prepacked stuff and what they have to offer fresh. we'll see if my opinion is more critical when i wake up hehe

i'm getting super sleepy and my sleep asmr playlist is calling me. i'll try to update this later today . . . goodnight!

love,

ai

date: april tenth, 2024

subject: hating heat

i'm currently in a vc with my friend & some other people, and neurotically avoiding any direct messages with friends. i genuinely want to spend time with them, but i don't have it in me to speak in an intimate setting where it's just the two of us. i don't know how to tell them, either. i mean, i do, i just don't feel that i'm at a point where i need to do it.

on a (somewhat) good note, it was very sunny today. it got too hot for me to truly appreciate the weather, so i just opened a window and let the air slightly cool me off. unfortunately, it seems we have more rain and storms overall coming this week. april showers or whatever. i wish we were in one static season instead of forty microseasons.

it feels like every time i think about my new tech, the order gets delayed more and more. i'm trying to stay positive, but it's super stressful not being able to get everything done properly because you're missing something important.

i hope the rest of the week gets better.

way past my bedtime update lol boy oh boy i am beat!

i've been trying to find a way to motivate myself to reply to dms, but i think i'm going to keep procrastinating until friday or the weekend . . . i feel like a terrible friend saying that. hopefully i force myself to talk more tomorrow.

going to try forcing myself to write down my thoughts throughout the day, since i enter this page expecting to rant, and end with two sentences at best. i'll try my hardest! knowing me, i'll probably only reply to one person.

in good news, i've finally had a sprite! those of you who know my feelings regarding sprite know how special this is hehe. i haven't had one for maybe a week or two, and it was nice! i'm really happy i could curb sugar cravings somewhat. i'm hoping i can make use of my at-home beverages in the meantime! maybe if i can find a hobby that takes up enough time, or dedicated more time to this blog hehe, i can ignore some of the sugar cravings. i'm indulging a bit since it's my time of the month.

here's to no more rainy days! i'm excited to have better weather and feel much better! i hope you all have better days as well.

i suppose i've run out of things to ramble about. i'm also spacing out, so goodnight! talk to you all maybe tomorrow!

love,

ai

date: april ninth, 2024

subject: gratitude

almost every day has been full of rain and gloominess. i hope more sunshine comes soon, in terms of both weather and mood.

my wifi has been absolute dogshit as of late. i suppose it would help me in web dev, or in working on my game, but it doesn't. nothing gets on my nerves quite like the "connected, no internet" signal and pickles.

also haven't received my phone, or any of my tech. also forgot my appointments are for this saturday and the seventeenth, so i'm avoiding a panic attack in regards to the latter. surgery is extremely important and will greatly improve not only my immediate issue but my quality of health, but i've never been more terrified to do something alone. i don't enjoy being this way . . .

my period has been making everything worse, in terms of socializing and my temper.

i find myself unable to avoid sad thoughts this week; it's the second day i've fought back tears. seeing my friends is nice, but i keep withdrawing from them without truly meaning to. they'd be better off without me in more ways than one.

i'm trying not to think too much about my shortcomings or anything truly negative, since i know i'll end up sobbing from my hormones. everything just feels like it's boiling over and nothing i can do will halt it, even for a little.

i try to make sense of my feelings and thoughts but tonight i'm stuck, running over the same bullshit dichotomy i've created for myself. i'm completely naive and foolish to believe i'll ever get better, to believe i'll ever reach my own goals. tonight is a testament to the fact that i am so fucking weak i'll never be able to heal. i deserve to be sick. i deserve to be alone. i deserve to suffer.

i hope the rest of this week is better, even if it means i'm unconscious for 75% of it. otherwise, i hope i finally kill myself. maybe i just need a nap. maybe i just need to find a distraction. maybe i just need to withdraw entirely.

i hope you all stay safe and warm.

love,

ai

date: april sixth, 2024

subject: horror tropes

i talked with some old friends today. i'd forgotten how easily my social battery runs out around certain people, and faced a rude awakening today. i hope i can work on keeping my sanity while also being around my goofier friends.

i've been watching a horrible horror movie with my mom and missing this moment before it even ends. earlier, we watched one of my favorite childhood movies while i answered her questions about why i liked certain things as a kid. it's always bittersweet, moments like these. she's never this interested in me for long-- she was even less interested when i was actually a child.

also got clothes for oré. she looks absolutely adorable in her new pajamas!! she's always so excited for new clothes, and gets upset whenever i have to take them off of her to wash lolol. such a baby.

i'm supposed to have a packed week this week, so apologies to those (if any) who read this and hope for consistent updates. i need to get my new phone and ipad tomorrow or monday-ish, a doctor's appointment on thursday, and lots of (hopefully) work on yamitai! on the seventeenth, i have my surgery consult (after three years of daily migraines and pain), so i'm looking extremely forward to that ^^

i hope this week is harmonious and (positively) eventful. hoping for sunshine, good health, and plenty of cuteness from my puppy.

date: april fifth, 2024

subject: annoyance

today was fine i guess.

i hate sounding like an angsty edgelord teenager when i say that, but it somewhat fits the mood.

i was supposed to be more productive today, but i was derailed and i couldn't get my focus back. i know i wasted money today, more than i expected, so i'm kind of mad with myself for being so idiotic.

my mom was supposed to help me with something extremely important that i was super optimistic about, but much like everything i get optimistic about, it fell through. she couldn't fill out a basic form accurately. i want to be angry and petty and overall vindictive with her regarding it, especially because of how important this was, but i'm just going to sit here and distract myself until i feel neutral about her.

speaking of parents, it's somewhat funny, the way they're almost allergic to the concept of expanding their knowledge of their child once they grow up. my mother still buys me shirts with barbie and mean girls logos, but conveniently has forgotten about my aversion to touch and the fact i use tampons now. she still buys a snack that i've since grown allergic to, as if she's compelled to do so out of habit. whatever her reasoning may be, or her intentions behind them, i just find it bittersweet that she clings to who i once was. i wish i could do that.

i've been growing more disillusioned with certain people, and contemplating my abilities regarding romance and attraction and friendships. i think i withhold affection and validation from others until/if they behave to my standards, which isn't healthy but it is what it is. i want to learn how to appreciate those close to me, even when they aren't acting like they deserve my appreciation. but that's a very, very low priority at the moment. i have more growing to do as a human being first; i've only been on this earth for 20 years and 24 days. i have time to grow. i have time to heal. i have time to fix. not everything gets done in a timely manner.

i hope i sleep warm and cozy tonight.

date: april second, 2024

subject: isolation

DISCUSSION OF SUICIDE BELOW! DO NOT READ IF TRIGGERED!

i want to get back into digital art and possibly start learning how to crochet or knit when i move. just craving something physical to do.

i've been rewatching kong: skull island, and i feel some goofy childhood love flare again. i've always loved kaiju films-- my father had me watch all the original films. i overanalyzed the meanings of each monster, foolishly hoping there'd be some megafauna out there we hadn't ever wandered upon. the new movies always provided more fantasy to it all. this one in particular was so gory that i gagged near the ending. it's probably some odd form of manifest destiny, but i'd always hoped that we weren't done seeing bigger creatures. i'd hoped i'd be the one to go out exploring in the ocean and stumble upon a society untouched by us. whether the group was kind or be my downfall wasn't a concern; we're human. we all end up being one or the other, in some way. i just want to document the existence of people before they're gone forever. we're not around for long, lifespan wise.

perhaps i've been more escapist recently, due to building stress. part of me always returns to kaiju movies, i think as some hope to entertain my child soul. maybe she'll be right someday, and we'll happen upon something completely new. or maybe we're too late.

11pm update. i've been in an extremely somber mood tonight. i think i miss those i've lost more than usual tonight. i'm happy i don't live in a high rise anymore. i remember playing les by childish gambino, and feeling the odd coldness of the nighttime. stepping outside with my bare feet. i've only felt the veil between this life and the next twice before this. i wasn't scared. i felt the way you do near the peak of the rollercoaster. i thought i'd just fall, go splat, and be with my family before i could even register what was going on. i still feel the weird tile under my feet. i still feel the breeze. i still feel my bangs. i remember pushing them at one point and feeling gross about them. it was one of the few recognizable feelings i had that night.

my parents both moved out of their high rises after that. my brother locked up his little area. my sister made my parents agree to never leave me alone at home for the entire day again. dad didn't follow through. i remember how it felt, my mom's hair, in my lap while she cried for an hour. she felt so warm. my grandparents let me have tattoos on my inner arms, hoping it would deter me from slitting them. i stopped wearing short sleeves outside and in the daytime at home-- seeing the tattoos, having the wind brush by them, having my arms touched, would remind me of my grandparents and then why they allowed me to get them.

my friends don't really know i attempted before. some do, but not how or why. they don't speak about it. i appreciate it some days, and others i wish they would just spit out their beliefs of me. i wish they'd just be honest.

i think about everyone, before and after my attempt. the rooftop one, i mean. a lot of people don't speak to me anymore. a few cling to me more now. while my mother sleeps in my guest room, she and everyone else doesn't know i'm looking at new methods. she doesn't know how tired i am.

date: march twenty-ninth, 2024

subject: failure and esims

i feel like everyday has been getting worse as my allergies clear and the weather gets better.

i'm entering a phase in which i cope with disappointment and failure by being completely apathetic to everything around me, and allowing avolition to take over. there's no use in doing anything, because whatever i do will end in failure. i'm not the kind of person to be motivated into doing things, so i just give up once i'm shown an obstacle to success.

oré and i have a slowly growing positive relationship again. for a while, things were kind of neutral ish, so i'm happy she's choosing to sleep with me and cuddle with me more often. it's nice to know your dog still loves you.

i'm getting my sense of taste back, not that it truly went anywhere. with allergies, it made everything taste terrible, so i ate less and less. i'm finally regaining my appetite. or it might be stress eating . . .

i'm going to try to keep watching nichijou and watamote. i think i need to have consistent media, or else i'll end up completely and utterly bored. i hoped monday would come and i'd have good things happen, but i give up on optimism. i just want to watch something and ignore my growing deadlines.

hoping tomorrow and the day after are better. doubting it anyway. i want to hide from everyone and just sleep.

date: march twenty-eighth, 2024

subject: girlhood and loneliness

i was eating sugar cookies and watching youtube videos and everything was fine. then, i saw a video about a girls trip to italy. it wasn't anything life-altering or revolutionary, just a video diary of a group of girls moments on vacation. but i felt more hollow than usual while watching.

i've spoken about my childhood sparingly here. whether that's due to my history of people using my personal information against me, paranoia regarding the former stemming from my schizophrenia, or the general disinterest i have in making my life sound worse than it was (or maybe i'm scared it was that bad...), i just . don't speak about my childhood. but that youtube video felt akin to someone hitting you right where you had a vaccine administered. sore, but not entirely painful.

as a child, i didn't have any friends outside of school. i wasn't allowed to hang out with anyone, save for two girls who i had the pleasure of being around a total of ten times in the eighteen years i was a child. when i turned twelve, my best friend at the time (whom i was friends with since the age of five) invited me over to her house almost every single day of the week. she was all i knew in terms of friendship; i had long abandoned the pursuit of achieving any other friends due to my severely declining mental and physical health. things got better socially in high school, but i lost that best friend. thirteen years of friendship gone. i still feel her absence if i let the house get too quiet.

in high school, i became very close to a girl who i still maintain contact with, despite her being slightly older and much more accomplished and overall who i wish to be when i grow up. aside from her, i have a few people i text every now and then but never truly get to see. i know i missed out on the opportunity to have long lasting bonds with people; quite possibly my only opportunity.

adulthood, for the most part, has been increasingly difficult when it comes to finding (and becoming) friends. some people are not ready to have someone new in their life. others aren't interested in a connection outside of sex. others aren't interested in you. all of them have their own reasons, and all of them fine in their own ways. it just leaves me to wonder if i'm ever actually going to have friends, or rather, a social life. i think, for the majority of my life, my loneliness was a result of my parents and my health. i never got to spread my wings and meet other people. now that i'm old enough, independent enough, healthy enough, i've missed all of my peers. they've formed their own lives, which is again fine, but aches. i don't think i'll ever get to meet people organically and form a friendship or two. i don't think i'll ever get to go out and join people for activities. much unlike the video i saw, i'll never get to experience a life that should've been mine.

i'm not upset about it, not anymore at least. i've grown to accept the things i've lost. acceptance doesn't mean it doesn't hurt anymore though. whenever i read entries about people's social lives or watch vlogs of people going out, i remember what it is that i don't have. it's nice to be on the outside looking in sometimes, but it gets ... lonely, obviously. i suppose i should be grateful for the experiences i had, and the people i once knew and still know. i am. it's just difficult sometimes, remembering that everything social was for a blip in my life. i hope i can get it back, but i figure there's no reason to drop everything and wait for someone to think i'm worth being around. i have a life. i should experience it, even if it's lonely.

! update !

i've figured out where i'm going to go on vacation with my mom, despite her behavior starting to seriously get on my nerves today. my stress is starting to build over some other things, but it doesn't matter if i speak of them or don't, the result is dependent on my mom getting her shit together.

tonight keeps getting worse. i'm going to watch videos on youtube and eat cookies until i fall asleep.

date: march twenty-seventh, 2024

subject: the beginning of the end (of my allergies)

i have a new diary/rambling page, can you tell? hehe.

my allergies are almost entirely gone, thankfully. but, i'm still coughing a ton since i have a bunch of phlegm. i hate that word but i hate what it looks like even more. mom made me some tea and it's helping my throat. warm drinks always feel so oddly comforting-- i rarely seek them out, but they're always nice when i do get them.

i'm getting stressed with some other things going on, but i'm trying to hold out hope for the future and not worry too much. there's no real point in worrying anyway, whatever will happen has already been decided. i just wish my amygdala could get with the program.

also attempting to work more on this site's reno, as well as game development. but i doubt i can accomplish both in the same time, so i'll try to flip between each other in hopes it'll keep my focus and engagement.

i'm going to finish my tea and try eating something. i hope for wealth, i hope for health, and i hope for warmth.

date: march twelfth, 2024

subject: happy birthday!

wahhh! it's my birthday!! somehow i've made my second decade's trip around the sun. there's a lot of weight added to this day, and i don't think i have the space to ramble about it here. in so many words, this day wasn't one i was supposed to bear witness to. it's a blessing to be able to have met and experienced so many people and things in the last twenty years. i can only hope for better to come in the future! i prayed for warm weather to come to me, and today was an insane 21c. i felt i was going to melt, lol. tomorrow is supposed to be 64f/17c, and the day after 55f/12c!! such an insane decline in weather. i'm glad today was as i hoped, at least weather wise.

i've receieved really good news, but it's extremely conflicting as well. i have quite a lot of vacation planning to do, and anxiety building up over school in the coming weeks . . .

in my previous entry, i mentioned a project i hope to work on. more details will be unveiled soon, but for now all i'll say is that it's caused . . . a lot of stress. i've got to figure out school issues before the summer or fall semesters begin, so i can figure some other things out. i also need to solidify my plan of action for not only an international trip, but a domestic one as well. i also need to draft up a shopping list for a new wardrobe, and a comprehensive list of new things for my new place. in other words, i have entirely too much to do, and so little time.

with the sun fully set, and my family asleep, i think about the future to come. i hope the future weeks and months are as sweet as this day has been; i'll work hard to make that hope a reality.

date: january sixth, 2024

subject: disappointment

i spent the last six days working on this site, and while i couldn't implement what i ultimately thought up, i'm happy with the tweaks. hoping to add bigger things once i'm in a more stable place.

soon i have to look at purchasing needles and syringes online; i need to self-administer my medication before my health takes a turn for the (even) worse. i hate speaking about my health at times, and now is one of those times. i wish i was healthy, but it seems this first month of the year has led to my body shutting down more than ever. it's disheartening and i wish i could just die sometimes. a lot of times i think about taking my life. i never get past the planning stage; i don't want to die, i don't want to be in agonizing pain before i die or experience an afterlife or lack thereof or leave my mess behind for anyone else. i just want a new body, new life. sometimes.

it snowed last night and this morning; my puppy lost her shit. it was adorable seeing her zooming around and inhaling chunks of snow. i love her so much, but i wish she'd stop terrorizing the birds perched on the branches of the trees in my yard; she knows they don't want to eat her snow.

i hope you all stay safe in the cold. i know how unforgiving the winter can be. stay warm, bundle up, don't run (black ice is a bitch), wear a scarf and gloves/mittens!

date: january third, 2024

subject: concise thoughts

watched saltburn; it was boring as hell up until i finally caved and read the wiki plot. amazing slow burn.

echolalia by faetooth feels like some angsty ver of a rdr2 song. or maybe some country based resident evil installment. food for thought. added it to the music player on the bottom left.

* 03/28 update: music player doesn't exist here. exists in old diary page.

date: january second, 2024

subject: sadness

i've been working on uploading chapters, but as of lately i've lost all motivation towards literature. honestly, i'm contemplating deleting parts of this site in droves. despite achieving relative success with this little piece of the internet, i feel i've accomplished close to nothing. if i'm being honest, i'm unsure if i've accomplished anything in the last year aside from having lived to see another birthday.

i haven't been able to secure an appointment for my medication, and as far as i know, all future appointments are available starting in april. i don't feel comfortable anymore divuling the details of my health on here, but for those who do know the effects of my illness, we know april isn't a realistic timeline. mentally, i've been suffering more than i ever have, and i feel myself becoming more accepting of what's to come if i'm unlucky in the next month or two.

on the slightly bright side, i still haven't cut my hair! i feel more ... pretty, i guess, with it. i've been looking at myself in the mirror, which is a genuine first, but no real focus on my face. i wish i didn't exist.

recently read a book titled taming the beast which, albeit a masterpiece on a niche aspect of trauma that people are typically terrified to even consider writing, triggered the shit out of me to no ends. i think my brain fused myself and the protagonist together, which depressed me further. i had to think for a bit, if i'll always be a victim, if he'll always own a part of me. i still don't know the answer. i don't know how to pick up the pieces of myself if someone has stolen some of them.

i'm just gonna go ahead n delete pages. i'm tempted to delete a couple social media accounts; just stick to my website, tiktok, discord, youtube, n maybe instagram. everything else goes, or is locked down.

date: november twenty-first, 2023

subject: building stress

it's almost been a month since my last entry, i suppose that can attest to my struggles at communicating even with a journal lol. for starters, i haven't cut my hair yet. also haven't gotten a job technically, which is causing a lot of stress. i've halted academics in order to just ... figure shit out ig idk.

i fucking hate november. it's never been a good month for me. i struggle heavily, especially this week, with managing PTSD symptoms alongside some other mental health issues. this month has been full of me crying and wanting to die and oversleeping. i've had very tight deadlines that i've failed to meet, and while i normally accept and dismiss failures, these deadlines have been incredibly important to me. i only hope december is a better month, but with the way the last six years have been, i doubt i'll have a good anything until i either move to a different state/country, or i die i guess.

i'm trying to work on more literary junk, and coding a cute thing for the index page whenever a new season comes, but i doubt the motivation will come anytime soon. everything i do lately is to keep oré happy and healthy or to ensure i don't get incredibly sick and die.

i'm grateful for my friends, but i've come to realize due to my agoraphobia and my issues during childhood, it's unlikely i'll ever get the chance at normalcy, or making friends that aren't suspicious of my health or personality. i don't think i'm ever going to have a truly healthy life. but it is what it is. i don't bring these things up to garner pity or sympathy; this is just a consequence of life being life. i'm grateful for the good things and the bad things are what they are. i can't fight things set in stone.

gonna try reading more books next year. and watching more movies. hopefully i'm in a better place, and i'll have a more stable shot at getting my hopes to happen. lately those hopes just look like sleeping in a warm bed with fluffy socks and having a cup of hot chocolate. someday.